Skip to main content

Tap me out

Let me just start out by saying MAD PROPS to all you home-school and single mamas out there. What makes your family work and how you do it is absolutely miraculous to me. You know who you are- surviving on coffee, patience out the ying-yang, possibly a closet alcoholic after the kids go to sleep. Don't worry, you will get no judgement from me. NONE. In fact, I will high five you and possibly even be an enabler to your habit. I have lived the single-mom life not so long ago. I too used to enjoy a glass of wine after my little beast went to sleep. Parent to parent, I will offer a suggestion. A glass of TX Whiskey- Neat- with stainless steel frozen balls instead of ice cubes so as not to dilute that little bit of sanity in a glass. 

I say all this because as a parent, there are just some things that are better left to the other parent. One parent might be better at not shrinking all the shirts, one might be better at the art of loading the dishwasher. Maybe one is better at doing the outside chores vs. the inside chores. We all have our gifts. In our house, one parent is better at helping the boy with homework. In the educator world, it is referred to as GT (gifted and talented). Said parent, in case you haven't caught on yet, isn't me. By trade, I AM a teacher so this should be a freaking cake walk to me! Yeeeeahhh....more like a walk through the enchanted forest, at night, with no flashlight and the absolute probability of being eaten alive.

I can assure you; teaching your own child is a whole different ball of wax than teaching those who belong to others. I have patience equivelant to waiting on a sloth to cross the road for sweet, adorable children who are do not share the same DNA as myself. However, that shared DNA throws a curve ball that not even Babe Ruth could get a piece of. My child is my mini-me in every possible way EXCEPT academics. In this case, he is his father's child. SUPREME intelligence for math. Science and social studies scores are through the roof! But reading and writing? Ain't nobody got time for that. In fact, "Ain't nobody got time for that", "Cash me outside, how bow dah", and "Bye Felicia" all in one breath. This was not me as a child! I couldn't add 3 and 2. Fact is, I teach the littles because I love them but also because anything above 4th grade and somebody's going to have to teach ME the math! I am a reader. A nerd. I read the pickle jar if it was sitting on the counter at his age. I read all the time! So someone not loving to read? Let alone my OWN CHILD not loving to read? Not even wanting to put forth effort in TRYING to learn to read?


 I can only explain the importance of having pride in your work, doing it right the first time, not writing like you're a doctor (at the ripe old age of 7),  and making him erase the words and re-write so that someone can actually read it so many times before I just lose it. At this point, I'm ready to throw my hands up and just let him watch storylineonline for the rest of his life. (Celebrities reading animated books as a video format. It's fabulous.) They have voice text now, right? Maybe by the time he gets to college, he can voice text his papers. I made a lot of money writing papers for other people in college, he can just work to pay people like me to write his papers for him. Maybe....maybe.....Nope. This is a whole bunch of nope. Because with the end in mind, he'll never learn the bigger picture here. He'll never learn the importance of hard work, doing it right the first time and taking pride in what you do. I know this. I get it; these thoughts are constantly on my mind. It's what keeps me up at night. But at this very moment, the only thing I can think of is "don't kill the kid. Breathe and woo-saw. The sun is warm, the grass is green. Breathe out." Actually, it's mostly just...Kam, DO NOT lose your sh*t right now!

Enter- the other parent. This is what you've been preparing for since the little beast entered the picture. It's where you, as the other parent get to shine, take ALL the credit and your spouse just sits back and thanks you...profusely. In our house, "A" may still be perfecting the art of loading the dishwasher. He may still be oblivious to the fact that you can't dry Lularoe leggings or 1/4 of the other things I own. But this man takes a homework TAP-OUT like a freaking CHAMP! Take note other parents. At this point, you could probably negotiate like no other- foot rubs, back massages, favorite meals made, personal slave for a week- NAME IT! We'll do anything. Yeah, it's that bad and we even consider ourselves to get the better end of the deal.

Don't get me wrong here, I am not shaming myself as a mother at all. We all have our faults; this just happens to be my one and only. As any other mother, I have many strengths. You want me to cook you a 12 course meal fit for a military brigade just coming back from deployment? DONE! You need me to iron all your clothes because you don't know how or simply just don't want to? No problem- I charge $1.50 per garment without starch, $2.00 per garment with heavy starch. I will teach your ESL child to speak fluent English with a freaking dog and pony show on the daily until they can talk circles around the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. But, I do not have the patience to help my 1st grader with his math or writing homework. And I'm only writing this post because I know so many of you who can relate! And those who can't...well wait. Your time is coming. And yes, I do take apology calls for your preemptive judgement. If I don't pick up, leave a message. I'll get right back to you as I'm probably busy meditating on a better homework system for 1st graders. It's a tough job but I'm taking one for the team here. Somebody's gotta do it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Could you pass the immigration interview with your spouse?

"A" and I recently had our immigration interview. Of course we passed and he now holds a green card. This allows us to travel but we still aren't sure to what extent. For the weeks leading up to the interview though, it was all about preparation. "How much preparation do you need if you live together?" I was asked this exact question and to answer nicely- I put more into this than I did into prepping for ACT in High School. This was supposed to be a 30 minute grill on the other person. We were going to be separated and our answers compared, so we better know everything. The stories we'd been told by friends who have done this before were crazy. One guy had to take his wedding ring off to make sure there was an indentation. The possible questions are outrageous and ridiculous! I wasn't so much afraid of my diplomatic answers that came out of my mouth. I can do diplomacy there. My face however does not do diplomacy and I am not responsible for the response...
2 comments
Read more

Johnny Appleseed's mama.

The boy has been asking for "different fruit" in his lunch box for weeks. "All the other kids" get the fun little squeeze packs of applesauce in their lunchbox and he gets cutie oranges or bananas. His life is so hard and he's incredibly mistreated y'all. The bananas end up as more of a mush finger painting from him having elephants sit on his backpack or maybe using said backpack as a shield in sumo wrestling before the bell? I'm not really sure what this child does after he leaves the car in the morning and walks into that school. All I know is that the stories that play out in my head answering "What the Christmas happened here?!" simply by looking at his lunchbox are incredible. So in an attempt to say "yes" more this year, I figured I'd make fun mixtures of applesauce. Surprisingly, out of 1 bag of organic apples I got at Aldi for $5- I made a lot and it only took me about 30 minutes of time to make it! First, I peeled al...
Post a Comment
Read more

They may have reason to hate me...

So as you may or may not have noticed, I've been on a little bit of a hiatus these past couple weeks. Not because I wanted to be but because this minor detail called life got in the way. When "A" went back to Egypt, assuring me that it would only be a month because well, he's " done this a couple times before ", what started out as a routine chat with the consulate ended in being told that he's had enough education and needed to "just get a job".  A couple problems with this: 1) Egypt is not like America and we as Americans might want to take note here. If two people walk into a job interview and person 1 is Egyptian, homeless, uneducated and looks like Pigpen from the Peanuts comic strip because he hasn't bathed in a month; person 2 is well dressed, educated, in a suit and tie, and incredibly well-spoken. Who gets the job? Person 2, OF COURSE! Wrong. Person 1 gets the job. "Dearest Kam, you must be high!" That the thought that ...
1 comment
Read more