My first year of teaching, I had a raspy voiced, blonde headed, blue eyed with the cutest pink glasses, dancing queen of a girl in my class. Her parents were divorced but after that initial two weeks of crying every day, Rylie was the absolute happiest child I could've asked for! She talked about her parents in the most positive manner all the time, even referring to her bonus mom and dad as if they were her favorite people on the planet. In October, both parents came to parent teacher conferences together. Meanwhile, Rylie's bonus mom stayed in the hall with her bonus dad and older brother- also always seen with the cutest smile on his face. I got to know her mom, Mandy, quite well that year and learned that while it wasn't always easy, for the sake of the kids, every single adult in this circle worked together to stay involved and fulfill their roles as parents in the most successful way possible. The kids were always the first priority, no matter what. Now that Rylie has graduated, I can honestly say these four adults have done a stellar job!
Fast forward four years, I never thought I would be divorced with an 18 month old son but there I was. I'll admit, the first couple years were supremely difficult. As an adult, working through the emotions, the anxiety, schedules, and disappointments is a level of hard I don't wish on even my worst enemy. If you're there, you know and I'm sorry. I completely empathize. But I will say that it gets better with time. This is my experience and what I've learned. Most likely, if you're in my shoes, you'll agree to most of it. If you're not there yet, just keep reading, you might get there. So you're learning to let go of expectations that weren't met, analyzing the past however many years, and trying to overcome the severe control issues you have with letting your child go to the other house because the other parent is a Disneyland parent or because they believe in chocolate cake for breakfast. Of course, if you're the mother in this situation, you're convinced that your babies will never be taken care of as well with their father as they would be with you. Maybe that's true, maybe it's just your ego yelling at you. Either way, that anxiety is doing nobody any good here. I know. Boy have I been there. You'll find that upon pick-up, your kids will most likely still be fed, clothed, given water and love. Will they always be bathed? Will their teeth be brushed or a bedtime story read? Will their clothes be washed before returning home? Maybe not. They'll survive. Will they eat macaroni and cheese for every meal? Maybe. But in all honesty, that's just preparation for what they'll experience for a solid 4 years of college. Perspective. The point is, they'll survive and guess what?! You will too. So you scrub them a little longer when they get home, you do a couple more loads of laundry, you bribe them to eat a vegetable or two. It's not that big of a deal because in the long-run, your child feels loved, cared for and has a relationship with both parents. They will also start to notice the results of this later on down the road. Trust me sister.
That's the beginning of the process when you're fresh out of the court room still filled with anger, resentment, despair, and every single breath out of your ex still makes you want to internally combust. Here, you all survive. Day to day. But while you're surviving and healing, remember this. Rachel Hollis says in her book Girl, Wash Your Face "You can't blame the past for the things that went wrong if you aren't also willing to be thankful for the things that went right." But to pull yourself out of the despair, you have to set a goal for what you want this to look like in 3-5 years. How do you want your children to see the family dynamic? Even further down the road, how do you want your children to view what a healthy, stable family dynamic looks like or what a marriage should be? How do you want them to see you as parents? For me, my end game was always the picture of Rylie's family.
That's the beginning of the process when you're fresh out of the court room still filled with anger, resentment, despair, and every single breath out of your ex still makes you want to internally combust. Here, you all survive. Day to day. But while you're surviving and healing, remember this. Rachel Hollis says in her book Girl, Wash Your Face "You can't blame the past for the things that went wrong if you aren't also willing to be thankful for the things that went right." But to pull yourself out of the despair, you have to set a goal for what you want this to look like in 3-5 years. How do you want your children to see the family dynamic? Even further down the road, how do you want your children to view what a healthy, stable family dynamic looks like or what a marriage should be? How do you want them to see you as parents? For me, my end game was always the picture of Rylie's family.
So you've made a decision of how this is to go and then you move on. Maybe one of you starts dating again. You're blind sided in meeting the new girl or boyfriend. You don't want this freak show around your kid. How could they possibly be good enough to be introduced to your kid?! It's too soon! It's...It's...It's.....going to be ok. Two words for the kids at this age- play.therapy. It's a real thing, and it's EVERYTHING. Google it. I am a huge advocate for it and if you're in the DFW area, email me. I'll recommend a fabulous set of them to you. Worth every dad-gum penny I spent. Anyway, it's at this point you've got to also move past your own issues and realize, this person whom you used to be married to, is now dating someone else because you didn't want them anymore! You don't get to play both sides of the fence in not wanting them but not wanting anyone else to have them either. That's High School. You're better than that. You were married to them by choice so the key in making the divorce work is recognizing that your child's other parent is a human being. I'm not saying that enrolling in a boxing class for yourself isn't insanely therapeutic as well because it totally is and I would absolutely recommend that for your adult therapy! But irregardless of what your ex has "done to you" they didn't do it to your child. So let it go. Forgive them. You don't have to forget it but like the age old saying goes, not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting them to die. Again, you're better than that. Also keep in mind that statistically it takes 5 solid years to completely move past a divorce. It was absolutely true in my case but even before that 5 year mark, your goal has already been set. So here are a few shorter tips to help with that.
1. Work together. Each of you will have your own way of doing things at the respective homes. Your child will learn each set of rules. It's not your job to micro-manage the other's home.
2. Get to know the girlfriend/boyfriend and develop a relationship. It's healthier for the kid and a lot easier for communication. You may not be able to communicate with your ex without a fight but you may find that communication with the bonus adult is effective, efficient and much more civil. Better for all involved.
3. If you're the girlfriend/boyfriend- you really don't have much say in anything until you become an official bonus mom/dad. To avoid issues, stay in your own lane.
4. Bonus moms/dads- first of all, if you are in our children's lives, you are a BIG Damn DEAL! Develop a healthy relationship with the kids. Learn their likes, dislikes and interact with them. Take them to the park, make cookies or pizza when they're at your house, let them choose the movie, play games, read to them. Ask yourself what their biological parent would do for fun and do that. Make them feel welcome and at home. If they don't like going to their other parent's house, it's probably your fault. Figure out why and fix it. You can be the glue or the wedge.
5. Stay involved/Let them be involved. If you are the parent that has primary custody, let the other parent know of important dates, soccer games, music recitals, parent teacher conferences, personal goals your kid is working on. LET THEM be involved. If you are the other parent and your ex is letting you be involved and making an effort to help your involvement, take action and acknowledge that. Don't make the efforts a waste. Make a point to call every day or every other day. If that means setting an alarm on your phone- DO IT! Then treat that alarm as a do or die situation. Work with them on their goals, their sports, attend as many events as possible. Take them on your scheduled days. Make a point to pay for things you are responsible for paying! You are the glue or the wedge too. Remember that.
6. Lose the "step". Step implies a level. If you are called a "Step-parent", it's implied that you are lesser. You are not. You have a vital role in this child's life because you chose to. If you love their parent, you love them. Bratty children may ask for love in the most unattractive ways but they all need to be loved. See number 4. This is your gateway but the step also implies that you don't deserve as much respect as a biological. That's crap. If you're doing it right, you deserve as much.
7. The Golden Rule- treat the other parent/bonus parent as you want them to treat you. If you're both giving 100% effort in this and making it work for the sake of your kids, treat them with equal respect as you expect for yourself. Your children are sponges. The images they grow up with are molded by you. It's your job to make sure they grow up still knowing their parents love them unconditionally and that a healthy relationship is mature with lots of communication. They also need to know that you may not like someone in life but you still have to respect them. On the flip side of that, Dads/Moms- understand that this bonus Dad/Mom, as hard as it is for you to swallow, is stepping up to fulfill a hole in your child's life. They are not replacing you! But they are giving your child what they need to be healthy, HAPPY, and Successful. Exhibit respect and Show gratitude! A LOT of gratitude!
Finally, thanks for reading to the end. I know it's a novel. But it's important. I don't pretend to have it all figured out; I'm just sharing what works for us in hopes that it might help others. Do I still want to tell my ex-husband to go beat his head on a brick wall and then come talk to me? Sometimes. Does my heart still break when we swap the kid? Every single time, even after six years. Do things still happen that make me question my sanity in letting my kid ever be in the care of anyone but me? A resounding HELL YES!
I also recognize that every situation is different and no situation involving human beings is ever going to fit into a perfect box and wrapped up with a pretty red bow. It's not all going to be pixie dust and rainbows. But if you have two parents who are equally willing to be in the children's lives and it's just a case of the adults not being able to stay married due to irreconcilable differences- the picture of the system I've painted for you works as long as you're willing to work the system. Your children see the effort you're putting in and I'm learning the older mine gets, the effort is appreciated even if the outcome doesn't always meet the expectation. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.
Remember the goal I told you to picture in the beginning? Focus on that goal. What you focus on grows! The rest will fall into place. I promise.
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